“Who will speak for England?” is the question that many Angry Middle-Class White Folk™ will be asking themselves, after reading the Daily Mail this week. The paper decided, in the absence of actual news, to run a front page editorial comment piece/right-wing rant on the lack of dissenting government voices against the EU.
With the referendum on Britain’s membership in the state looming, it sure is a political hot potato and like all reactionary attention-seekers, the Mail is ramming that potato down everyone’s throats. But will they find anyone who can speak for England? Who will be the hero of the hour and stand tall like Winston Churchill, riding atop a swan or a TARDIS or something equally as English? Let us profile the top 7 candidates.
What better person to fight on behalf of St. George, than Prince George himself? He may only be two years old, but the royal toddler can still fight like a trooper for Nanny and country. Dress him up in an adorable little suit of armour, point his little legs into the direction of Europe and let our valiant miniature hero enter the belly of the beast. Whilst they’re distracted by the cuteness, load up Princess Charlotte in the royal cannon and take aim. Let loose the infants of war!
ZOMBIE BOWIE, LEMMY AND RICKMAN
The passing of national treasures such as David Bowie, Lemmy and Alan Rickman has been a triple gut-punch to England’s bloated stomach. But, death shall not weary them. All we need is a simple voodoo curse so we can bring back our heroes as zombies and then send them to Brussels. Although, all semblance of their combined brilliance will be reduced to nothing after the zombification process, at least they can eat some bureaucratic Belgian brains.
MARY BERRY FLYING A SPITFIRE
Mary Berry is such an obvious choice. The Bake Off queen is so quintessentially English, you can practically smell the awful wet summer fete you went to as a kid, off her crinkly skin. Let’s add to this by popping her into another of our institutions, the RAF Spitfire fighter plane and have her fly all over Europe. EU leaders will quickly bend the knee to England, just to stop the crazy, soggy bottom obsessed, old lady from flying a warplane directly into their kitchen.
Picture the scene: European Parliament is packed to the rafters, with representatives from every EU country, eager to debate the future of the union. The voice of England stands up and screams “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I’M RONNIE PICKERING!” to the confused and now slightly terrified auditorium. They’ll sure know who you are after this, Ronnie Pickering. You’re the living embodiment of every angry middle-Englander: Packed to the brim with unexplained rage and totally incomprehensible.
REY FROM STAR WARS
The Daily Mail probably believed that the plot to The Force Awakens was actually an allegory for Britain’s involvement in the EU. Therefore, the perfect logical candidate is the hero from the film, BB-8. Unfortunately he’s not English. So, let’s turn to Rey then. A dab hand at fighting an evil empire, she could lightsaber her way through Brussels (aka, the Death Sprout) and show them what the force truly is. The bloody English force, that is! Or should that be farce?
THE ENGLAND FOOTBALL TEAM SUPPORTERS BAND
There is nothing more atmosphere sapping, than hearing a brass band play ‘The Great Escape‘ every two minutes for an hour and a half. Now, imagine if they did that in the EU parliament. Watch as the walls come tumbling down in sheer irritation at having to hear that same tune over and over over again. It definitely won’t win us any trophies but by Jove, it will surely make Johnny Foreigner’s ears bleed.
THE “YOU AIN’T NO MUSLIM, BRUV” GUY
All joking aside, this is the true voice of England. In one fall swoop and with a single defiant turn of phrase, he managed to cut through any hatred and violence that sadly sometimes prevails in this country. It isn’t an easy thing to almost bring a country together with one soundbite (just ask any politician) but this guy managed it. Turn your chairs round England, because we have found The Voice.